| agh! |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|10:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
I'm hunting after something I know I can't catch. But I'm still trying. Something that I think about, constantly, almost too much. Something that I turn to first and foremost for guidance. Something that I see every day, either in my head or on my computer screen. Something that when I am involved with it, there is no awkward silences. No contemplations on what my next move will be. Just running out the clock for that buzzer-beater shot at it all at the end. I keep thinking what I will do when that moment comes. Whether I will stand up to the challenge or let the chance slip through my fingers. Why shouldn't I try for it? I probably won't get another chance at it. And when the time comes to choose what to do next, my heart will be pumping. With adrenaline flowing through me like at a Monty-Newman game. I would say I've been waiting for something like this my whole life, but that would be an exaggeration. I wish I had been waiting for this my whole life, though. Give me something to strive for every day, knowing that when it comes down to mere seconds until I miss it, I would have to decide. Can't studder, can't pause, can't think. It seems far away from now, but it will creep up on me before I know it. I don't know if I can power through it or if I can give it a good shot. But I'm still trying.
I wish I could write like others could. The people that when I read their words, I can't describe them. They write these deep, passionate, insightful, outlooks on life. The talented speakers who write about love and truth and life amaze me. They get their point across so well that I feel like they could be the Emily Dickinsons and the Sylvia Plaths of the future. Unfortunately, I was not one to record those deep, passionate, insightful outlooks on love and truth and life. But I'm still trying. |
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| just about 3/4ths of the way done |
[Jan. 31st, 2007|08:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Here | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | ugh | ] |
| [ | music |
| | whatever they are saying on Whose Line | ] |
god, i want to get out of here. i'm strongly thinking of going to college out east. The campuses like UCONN, U. of Vermont, U. of Maine, and U. of Hartford are gorgeous in the fall and winter (my two favorite seasons) and the temperatures there are cooler (not like Kooler, but cooler). They also have true school traditions. i can't say the same for colleges around here. i'm tired of California. i want to be somewhere new. Meet new people. there doesn't seem to be very many people that I can connect with here. I want to start over fresh. become friends with people my own age rather than those who are older than me. Next year is going to seem like forever. With the constant "i want to get out of here cause i'm almost done" attitude and the fact that most of my friends will have graduated, i'm not looking forward to next year. Someone told me i should try to graduate early. I'm thinking about it now. i'm done here. and not just here, but all of cali. It's like the reverse of TGOW (The Grapes Of Wrath). I'm leaving california in search of a better life outside of here where there is more for me to accomplish. I have no future in Santa Rosa...well..almost one more year |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|11:50 pm] |
I could use a good coffee talk.
A talk that makes you think but is still very refreshing. A talk where you can really speak and listen to whoever you are hanging out with. A talk where you can share anything interesting that has happened recently. A talk where you can share your opinions about the other people in the coffee shop who take your drink without knowing it (that actually happened to me!). A talk where you can sort out your problems with some friendly advice. A talk where you can help out a friend in return. A talk where at the end, you are surprised by how much time you spent there. A talk where you can leave with nothing but a positive outlook on the future...
All this writing is making me thirsty. Coffee anyone? |
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| bad day |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|09:06 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | torn apart | ] |
| [ | music |
| | something to help me relax | ] |
i'm moving on
it's behind me and i can't rebuild what we once had
it was enjoyable while it lasted
i hope we can find the passion we had again...
but for now
i'm doing okay
hope you are too...
i still love it when you smile...
i'm glad i can talk to you without wanting you...
when i catch a glimpse of you passing by
i wish for it to be september
cause i'm dying to hold you again
i want you back...
before i remember you as something ordinary
when you're more than that |
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| je continue à la débandade |
[Nov. 4th, 2006|06:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Immortal Technique - Dance With The Devil | ] |
i wish high school was over.
i've never said that before.
i feel things haven't gone right for me recently.
like i try but i end up failing.
can't wait for the real world.
once i leave valhala and this small town behind.
i'll start off fresh and forget about those who tore me apart.
i'll remember those who kept me together.
my sister told me to not be bothered by H.S. relationship heartbreak bullshit.
i'm not upset about being dumped or being cheated on.
i just wish something would work right.
after the last one, i don't know what else to do but wait...
i wish someone could rescue me |
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| uh oh |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|06:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Killers - Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine | ] |
you know that girl i told you about in my last entry? yes she's sweet and i really like her and she likes me back. for a while it looked like things were going to be great for us. i was happy to have someone who actually likes me. i thought that we would be together and be a good pair...
...then today happened...i felt a bad feeling in my gut when i read the text message saying "i'm not sure if i want to say it over a text message. please don't be mad at me." i was hoping that it wasn't a situation where she likes someone else.
unfortunately, shes also been liking someone else and hes liked her back. neither of us knew until today. she told us that shes liked both of us for a while now and she didn't tell us before. i'm not surprised. its hard to tell two people you like that you like both of them. so now she is confused over who is better suited for her. i told her that she doesn't need to rush anything because this is a pretty big decision. she has two guys who she likes and who like her back and she can obviously only have one. she is taking the time to get to see which one of us is right for her. i'm so fucking nervous. i mean, i like her and she likes me back. shouldn't that be all that matters? i don't want to be selfish. i want her to be with the right man for her, whether that's me or the other one. i wish it would be me. i was thinking in my head about what it would feel like to hear that she feels better with the other guy. the part that hurts the most is that i don't think i will be able to be better than him. it hurts right now just knowing that the person i care for and long for could end up with someone else. i cant imagine how the pain would feel to be on the outside of her love. i don't look forward to this week. but, i want to wish the other man the best of luck. if he wins her heart, then he earned it. and to her, i don't want her to worry about anything. her happiness is my happiness. i wish it could all work out for the three of us. that cant happen. one of us is going to be left out.
i finally want to feel true love. these past relationships i've had were all "i never understand" relationships. my relationships have all been like a badly built bridge. things look great at the beginning, then things start to sway between confusion and comfort, until it collapses and sinks into dismay and me telling myself "oh, i should have done this instead." pretty lame simile, i know. i just can't seem to get it right. i thought this was going to be the first i got right
NOTE TO SELF: don't let her go like this. |
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| havent been here in a while |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|09:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My house | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Guster - One Man Wrecking Machine | ] |
what's new? well...crazy weather....work.....hanging out.
but in more detail.
yea i'm working. Aren't we all? I'm working with Santa Rosa Recreation And Parks in their Playgrounds Program. I attended it as a kid for like 4 years and then I was a volunteer there for three years and now I actually get paid for working, hooray! It's a fun job because I get paid to goof around and basically be myself. Also, what other job do you know of where you can play hott games, go to hott events, and get filled with hott FIRE!!! The staff I work with are pretty awesome too. Wednesday night, we went to Paradise pizza and had all you can eat pizza for 6 bucks a person, until we got kicked out. Then we went to 7 eleven and had slurpees and told jokes until midnight. Basically, work is pretty good.
I have a 4 day weekend which is sweet. Hopefully I can find some fun on the 4th, but I probably will cause i'm fucking Mike Marqua!
I went to Live 105's BFD this year. awesome b-day present, Spike! So i'm pretty much hooked on every band we saw there (Besides Yellowcard and H.I.M.) We met The Sounds, when we wanted to meet OK Go, but the lead singer of The Sounds was a babe, so that made up for it. We then were in like the 4th row for She Wants Revenge, which was awesome.
My new cell phone is cool, but i'm like 300 text messages over my limit cause the ladies love to text me! lol. jk. i wish that were true. speaking of ladies, there's one in my mind, and I hope i'm in her mind. we just talked cause she's in Kentucky right now having fun with family. she's really sweet and she's one of the few who likes me, the real funny, joke around, sweet me. so thats pretty kool. i'm glad for that.
just taking it step by step. hope everyone is having a good summer! |
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| rainy day pt. II |
[Apr. 12th, 2006|08:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matchbox twenty - If You're Gone | ] |
Day two of the exercise (they're calling it an exercise now rather than an assembly). Today was more serious.
This morning I didn't know what to expect. The memorial was intense. We all met with out classes in the gym. Getting ready to cram together since we had to fit the entire school inside the gym. I was lucky to have leg room. The first guy that came on who told us about his story of how he lost his leg woke alot of us up to the reality of what can happen. He almost died. Then came the movie. The people who made this movie really outdid themselves (Schloemp). We all figured that once everyone involved left the school, they would stop. But no. They actually all played this out like it really happened. Seeing it on tape showed what it is like in reality when something like this happens. It felt to everyone that this did happen. Ari went all the way to Oakland in a helicopter. Benny stayed in a ambulance and then went in the E.R. Daniel Mathis stayed in a body bag from the beginning of the whole thing until they brought him to the morgue where his parents had the horror of watching their son being zipped out of the body bag through a glass window. I heard Katie went to jail as well. These sites weren't fake areas, they actually went there. It was all on tape. Then came the most depressing part....the slides. I couldn't believe how many people I knew on that list. They were just taken out of school, taken out of my life, just like that. Seeing all of them was to be honest, traumatizing. I really felt like these people were gone forever. I'll never see their faces again. All I wanted to say was goodbye one last time...........
Then came the deceased students themselves. Reading their letters they wrote to their parents from beyond the grave. Then the parents themselves. Reading their child's eulogies. That has to be the worst feeling in the world. I saw so many people crying. I saw a girl who was one of the deceased kids just falling apart as her father read a letter to her. I imagined my father up there reading to me. I couldn't hold it in. I fell apart right there.
Finally, Lorelei's father came to the stand to speak. I applaud for him coming to speak. He has known form the worst experience. To lose someone so meaningful to so many people. It was hard. I hope they keep the banner up in the gym to remind us always.
DEATH. that's the big word that came to our minds these past two days. I know it came to my mind. Because since this every 15 minutes thing actually happens, we realize how precious life is. You only get one. We need to be smart about these things. Cause other people deal with losing someone this way every day. These two days put us in their shoes. See how it feels when this happens in your life. I want to thank everyone who felt sympathy at today's "exercise" in the gym.
Since I am a comedian, i've realized that a good way to eventually get over the sadness of something like this is through comedy. I guess I should start trying to rise myself from the depth of today.
Take care |
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| rainy day |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|07:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Interpol - Leif Erikson | ] |
The "assembly" at our school was rather dull, and on top of that, it rained on us for about an hour and a half. But it made me seriously think....
What if this really happened in my world?
I have to admit, at first I thought that the people doing it were really going to extremes to show us this. I mean, they brought in alot of medical personnel and even a helicopter. It was me and my sophomoric friends not really caring. But then the scene on the field actually got deeper into detail. I could tell this was interesting because the guys I was sitting next to actually shut up and realized something. We all did. Just to think if this happened to us. Someone we know could be struck down at any time. Heck, who knows? The two guys I was sitting next to, or even me, could have our lives change instantly if something like this actually happened. Our teachers weren't showing this to bore us even more or to get us drenched in the rain. They wanted to show us that taking life seriously is a big thing. The rates continue to increase every year. Eventually, everyone will know someone who died in a car crash related with drunk driving. Every 15 minutes someone dies in a car crash. Remember that today you might have seen a classmate that you know very well be taken away. Well what if that actually happened? It wouldn't be a good feeling. About 17,000 people die each year in drunk driving related crashes. Let's try to make that number decrease. Be safe about driving and don't drive drunk.
Hope the rain will stop
My first stand-up comedy performance on the 22nd in Occidental. Don't expect it to be long, but it's something. talk to me if you want more info.
Take Care! |
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| stuff |
[Mar. 12th, 2006|10:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kyo - Qui Je Suis | ] |
For the first time in my high school career, i'm actually happy.
It looks like i'm down for my summer job. Had the interview friday and they also want me to do a soccer camp in the spring and an after school elementary school tutoring thing, so we will see how that goes. I guess they really like me if they want me to do all this work.
Comedysportz is doing well at monty. It's not quite as good as it was last year, but we still have practices and we are more of friends then we were last year. We've only had one show and it went very well and we get to watch the video tape of our performance tomorrow. That ought to be exciting!
Got my first possible stand up appearance in late april in Occidential. Still writing material down on my yellow notebook. Hope i can do what ive always wanted to.
I'm having more fun at school too. I moved where i hang out (since at my old hangout, everyone pretty much ignored me). that was kind of a letdown. Just gotta keep myself up.
Spike and I have missed out on alot of our parties. First we were supposed to have a White Castle burger party, then a frozen churro party. C'est mal! He's too busy with his drama production anyways, which by the way is awesome. go see it!
God i gotta go chill. Hecka want to be jammin to mac dre with marcus in the quad. that sounds fun right now. |
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